Choose Your Battles
by Jamieson Zed
Summary: What if Aeryn had found out about her pregnancy during "Infinite Possibilities" - before Talyn-John's death?
1. Part One

**Title:** Choose Your Battles  
**Rating:** PG  
**Setting:** Story begins during _Infinte Possibilites_ and goes slightly AU from there, although I don't think it should make much of a difference to canon in the end.  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, not even the words. Only the order in which they were placed. That said, the idea is mine – please do not repost this anywhere without my permission.  
**Author's Note: **This was originally posted on Terra Firma in August of 2006 – not sure how I missed posting it here, but that's life. I hope you enjoy it, feedback is always appreciated.

* * *

**Choose Your Battles**

* * *

Aeryn Sun stood in the center of the ruined shell that had once been the no-doubt unsanitary waste alcove previously used by Furlow's workers. Using every technique she could think of, she attempted to gain control over her breathing, and her thoughts.

_This is not happening. Not now._

After gaining a measure of control, she allowed herself to give into the temptation to turn around once more and look at the evidence, to make sure it was real. It was the wrong move, however, for the microt she looked down she had to spin back around, nearly loosing what control she had mustered, feeling almost physically ill.

_Not now!_

From the depths of where she had buried most of her Peacekeeper childhood, she dredged up the memories of her basic education, what little non-military knowledge had been necessary to ensure a soldier's survival. When she was older, she had known two fellow soldiers who'd experienced this situation firsthand, who'd woken up one day to discover the mix of discoloured liquid and drops of blood accompanying their liquid waste, the same combination that now filled the receptacle behind her.

When Aeryn first caught it out of the corner of her eye, her first reaction was alarm that she had been injured internally. It was only mere microts later that she realized just what she was looking at: the early warning that a stasis pregnancy had commenced. Despite the protocol written into her genetics to ensure pregnancy would not interfere with her duties as a soldier, biotech was not absolutely perfect, and females were still rendered less effective should the issue arise. If the symptoms of stasis initiation were recognized, action could be taken immediately to ensure optimum efficiency.

The two women Aeryn had known over the course of her duty amongst the Peacekeepers who had been fortunate enough to detect this in its inception had experienced different outcomes. One had the misfortune of being on an extended mission at the time, and had had to endure the situation until there was time available to release the stasis and undergo the geometric pregnancy. After that, the child had been taken to the creche and the soldier had returned to duty. The other had been more fortunate: a surrogate was almost immediately located, and she had suffered little inconvenience.

Aeryn was no longer a Peacekeeper. None of those options were open to her. And this was quite possibly the worst time for this. No, that was incorrect - this was _definitely_ the worst time.

Once more pulling her breathing under control, she allowed herself to think of what options she _did_ have. From what she could remember, presuming she had even been paying attention in the first place, the implication was that conception had just recently occurred; only one man could be the father of this child.

Despite herself, Aeryn felt a surge of warmth flow through her at that thought, and that confused her. Did she want a child? Since birth she had been taught, both through formal instruction and through those around her, that Peacekeeper soldiers were not expected to volunteer for the duty of filling the ranks; it was something that was assigned, but not hoped for or vaunted. Her own mother had apparently been an exception to that rule, but Aeryn had never felt herself to be one.

Whether John wanted a child - children - was not worth asking, she already knew the answer. Even had he not mentioned it to her in the past, she would have known through her own past experiences and observations that he not only wanted that outcome, but had simply expected that to be a natural inclusion in his future. Provided he lived long enough.

Before she met him, when she was still a soldier amongst those who had ingrained all of this into her brain, she never would have thought it possible to love this man, or to be loved by him. Was it possible her feelings on the subject of children had changed as well? That was a question without as simple an answer. She doubted it were possible. She knew of cultures where childrearing was considered a personal goal, a fulfilment of one's life…even her fellow non-military Sebaceans often subscribed to that ideal. But then again, not all did, just as John himself had mentioned to her that some humans purposely chose not to procreate.

Even if they chose to have this child - for she certainly would never choose to have it on her own - could they actually care for it? Aeryn immediately doubted her abilities based simply on her own experiences. And their lives were so frelled up already, matters would only complicate further.

No, this was simply the worst time for this to happen, present situation notwithstanding. She could not dwell on these thoughts any longer, not until they'd dealt with the Dreadnaught. John and Jack were probably wondering what was taking her so long, and she had work to do.

She couldn't tell John, not now - he couldn't have any distractions at the moment, especially not one so disastrous. But as Aeryn pushed her thoughts away to be dealt with later and proceeded to make her way through the ruined complex, she couldn't help the questions and "what ifs" that played at the edges of her mind.

**-o-**

They sped across the barren landscape in pursuit of the trelk who'd been double-crossing them from the start. John drove the transport - if one could call it that - as if he'd done it before, but to Aeryn's knowledge he hadn't. It must be similar to something he had on his homeworld, something familiar. She immediately took some comfort in that thought; she was a good pilot, and as a result she could be a somewhat apprehensive passenger.

"You know, we _are_ running out of time," she nearly shouted, so as to be heard over the roar of the engine.

"We've still got time," he cautioned.

He seemed fairly calm, under the circumstances. She managed to take comfort in that, too. She knew Jack's death had affected him, not only because, for a moment, he was visualizing his own father dying, but also because their fates and - if the Ancient was to be believed - the fates of so many others in the galaxy now rested in his hands. Aeryn herself felt confident - they only had to catch up with the treacherous mechanic, a goal of which she had no doubts, and then their mission, so to speak, could be completed. The Scarran threat would be eliminated, and John would finally be able to rest from his constant quest for wormholes; the knowledge was finally there.

The question pulled at her mind, and before she had time to stop it, it erupted from her lips. "You know this new knowledge you've got in your head? "

"Yeah?"

"Can you use it to get home?"

There was a brief, momentary hesitation, and then he nodded. "Yeah." It was almost as if the thought hadn't occurred to him before this moment. Considering what he'd had to deal with, it was quite possible.

"Let's do what we need to do here, and then we'll go." Aeryn wasn't sure what surprised her more - the fact that she had just suggested that, or the fact that she was completely serious. She had a feeling that that her subconscious, which she knew had been working overtime the last few hours beneath her conscious mind, had just taken over.

John snapped his head to look at her, and by his expression he must have thought he heard her wrong. But when she gave him the barest hint of a smile. He returned it.

**-o-**

"I love you, so much…."

"I love you."

This was not how it was supposed to be. They were together, after so much hardship and pain, and now he was going to leave her, bring her more pain. She couldn't help but feel angry, just as she'd said, but not with him. Never with him.

"I would have gone to Earth." And she would have, without any doubt, because they would have gone together. He needed to understand that, she wanted him to know just how much she trusted him, how much she loved him.

She was about to say something else, something she felt he needed to know. _I would have gone to Earth, and I would have borne your child._ It would be her last chance. She held back, however. Something within her, something she didn't understand, pulled those words back, and in that moment's hesitation, he spoke.

"I'm sorry you never got to meet my Dad…my real Dad. I'm sorry I never met your Dad. …I'm sorry about a lot of things."

She shook her head. "Don't be, I don't want you to go that way."

"I won't."

She felt a hint of relief course through the overwhelming sorrow that filled her bones - it barely registered, but she knew it was there. She would never want him to have regrets, he didn't deserve them. It was then that she recognized what had held her back from telling him her secret. If there was some sort of life after this that he was going to pass to - and she sincerely hoped there was, she needed to believe they would be together again - then she hoped that he could forgive her.

He made a familiar noise just then, pulling her from her thoughts. For a moment, she could pretend that nothing was wrong, that he was working on one of his projects and had just figured something out. But just for a moment. "What?"

"They say, it's a lucky or unambitious man who goes when he's ready. That said…Scorpius is gone, I'm at peace." She could hear how his voice weakened, how _he_ weakened. She reached over and pulled the blanket up around him - whatever she could do to make him just the little bit more comfortable - while he continued. "I don't hurt…I did some good things. I'm proud of my life. And I'm with you."

As those words passed through her ears, the last doubts she had about not telling him vanished. She felt the guilt at her minute sense of contentment, realizing the immense sadness and pain he held at knowing he was leaving her, but her own sadness overpowered that guilt. How could she possibly think of adding any more suffering to the short remainder of his life than he already had to endure?

No, she would not tell him. Instead, she kissed him, pouring all her emotions into that one act, and taking everything he could give her until he could carry on no longer.

"Don't worry about me," he struggled to get out, but managed to do it with conviction. "I've never felt better."

The microts passed, and she kept the sobs quiet, but that was no amazing feat - the pain that wracked her body with each one was so intense, so raw and powerful, that it wrenched away her ability to make anything but the slightest of sounds, the gasping of breath that was required to form the next.

Gently she reached forward, her hand shaking, and closed his eyes for the last time, knowing he would never open them again. Without thinking, she slipped under the blanket and settled herself closer to him, holding the lifeless vessel of the man she loved. She gave in to her grief, allowed herself this precious time, because it was all she had left. Soon enough she would be forced to make decisions, to think, to figure out what must be done. She would have to decide what she was going to do, and that would be an impossible task itself; but that wasn't all - the life that resided within her, the life they had created together, the life he would now never know existed, would need to be considered as well.

But she would not think of that now. No matter what decisions would be made, for now she…no, _they_, would lie here with the man who was a part of them both, and for the first time, and the last time, they would be a family.


	2. Part Two

**Author's Note:** I just wanted to mention that while this chapter is presented as the second part of C_hoose Your Battles,_ I've always thought it worked better as a sort of companion piece and that the end of the first chapter would have been a good place to end the story. That said, this was written as part of the story, and so it shall remain. I hope you enjoy, and any and all feedback you might be inclined to provide would be much appreciated.

* * *

Numb. That's what they thought she was. Talyn's crew thought she came back from that wretched hole of a planet that way, and after reuniting with Moya's crew, she was sure _everyone_ now thought that.

Especially him.

However, numb was the furthest thing from what she was. Her emotions were so raw, so jagged, pain lancing at her so frequently, that it took all of her strength not to give in. She dealt with it as best she could. She didn't let it show, she couldn't appear weak. Especially in front of _him_.

This other John…she knew she was causing him pain, and she felt guilt at that. But the pain she felt at seeing him, alive and well, she was sure outweighed anything her rejection of him could inflict. It might sound cold, even to her, but at the moment it was a mere reflection of the state of her heart.

Her real problem, though? The one that forced her to present that façade of numbness even more rigidly? Her mind knew the difference, but her heart wasn't listening. She wanted to wrap her arms around this other, to bury her pain into him, and let him take it all away. There was an ongoing battle between her heart and her mind, and she knew that if her mind lost, or gave way just a little, there would be no turning back. She would give in, and she would go to him.

How could she do that to John? _Either_ of them?

And so she went about her duties, she helped prepare for this frelling mission to take out Scorpius' project. She had been the first to support his insane idea, and that itself had been an example of her heart pushing back in this fight. She'd seen it in his eyes, he was going to go ahead with it whether they supported him or not, and without help, she knew he would fail.

Her John had died trying to keep the universe safe from wormholes. She had to ensure his death was not in vain - if it proved to be, she could never continue on, not even in the manner she was currently struggling with. There was another reason, though, and that was _this_ John. No matter what stood between them, how much grief tore at her, and at him, she had to help him. She had stood by while wormholes ripped one John from her, she could not simply stand by and let history repeat itself.

Because her heart simply could not tell the difference.

**-o-**

She sighed heavily and sad down. "I have a bad feeling." She would speak with him now, but only when it was required, or when it concerned the mission. "About the Command Carrier."

He understood the boundaries, now. "Do you think we shouldn't go?"

It pained her to say it. "I don't think we have a choice. If Scorpius masters wormholes, then…."

He looked away, but moved to sit down nearby. He spoke slowly. "Yeah, some things you die for."

His eyes remained averted, and she knew exactly what he was thinking about - the same thing she was thinking about. Her eyes closed, trying to block the pain that assaulted her at hearing him say those words.

Hesitantly, she said, "I just can't watch that happen…again." She didn't have to see his face to know the surprise and confusion he was feeling. She was crossing the unspoken boundary. "It was perfect, we were so…perfect, and you're just like him. I mean," her heart had launched a volley her mind could not keep up with, could not fight back against, "You _are_ him."

Their eyes locked, truly locked for the first time. "No." The simple syllable uttered from his lips was a knife into her stomach. "I'm _me_." She saw the conviction, the seriousness in his expression. "I was _here_." She realized in that moment that she'd left it too long. While her mind had just been left behind, his had finally caught up. She had to look away. "I missed that dance."

When he spoke again, she was mildly startled. "Aeryn. Don't come with us."

He was giving her a way out, a way to rescind her pledge of support, to walk away. In the brief contact their eyes made, she saw his reason. His mind may have caught up, but that didn't drown out his own heart. He wanted to spare her the pain. He was confident in his mission to destroy Scorpius' project, but not in his own fate. Hadn't she just told him that she couldn't watch him die again?

She couldn't watch that happen again, and she wouldn't. She would either prevent it from happening, or she would die trying. _That_ was something she couldn't walk away from. In the back of her mind there lurked another reason why she had to go to the Command Carrier - one she tried furiously to keep from her own thoughts; the same reason, she knew, that was helping her heart in the fight against her mind.

But in the end, as it always did, it boiled down to this one man.

"No, we started this together, Crichton." Her weariness was evident in her words as she stood up. "That's how we'll end it."

As their eyes caught for one more brief moment, she was sure he had understood her true meaning in those last few words. Her mind had finally jumped back into the battle, continuing on as strong as ever now that her heart had been beaten back down.

**-o-**

She stared out at the destruction as Moya moved through the fields of debris, looking for survivors. They had managed to locate a few ships and pods and had done their best to rescue those aboard, but there had been nothing within the last solar day. They were completing one more pass, and then they would leave; no doubt word had reached Peacekeeper High Command about the destruction of the Command Carrier, and they did not want to be here when they came to investigate.

That ship had once been her home, had continued to be the home of those she had grown up with, had been friends with. No matter how much warning they had, she knew first-hand not everyone had escaped. And while she knew she would never return to that life, a part of Aeryn Sun went down with that ship as well.

There was another part of her that loathed that ship, though, and for reasons completely separate from knowing that her life with her people had been isolating, ignorant, and essentially without freedom. She hated that ship because it had confirmed for her what should have been good news, _would_ have been good news just weekens ago, but now filled her with fear and despair. While she hadn't really doubted what her body had told her only arns before John's death, after he died she tried to convince herself that her childhood memories were wrong, that nothing was different.

But of course, she _had_ to know. And the Command Carrier proved an opportunity that she couldn't pass up.

Now she wished she had.

Her new knowledge ripped open the floodgates on her emotions once more, the ones she had so forcefully pushed back so that she could concentrate on the mission. But the mission was over now. Once again, they had prevented the knowledge of wormholes from falling into enemy hands, and once again, destruction was key.

The only difference this time, was that John had come back alive. A part of her was relieved, truly relieved, but another part was angry and resentful of him, the same part that wanted to believe her own revelation about the life inside of her was a good thing.

Aeryn closed her eyes and took several deep breaths, willing that part of her to submerge itself once more. She did not want to be angry at John, living was certainly not his fault. She also could not accept that pregnancy was a "blessing," not while the father of her child was dead.

She had, of course, seen the recording her John had made for his counterpart with the help of Stark, she had heard his words. He had simply expected her to turn to his twin after he passed. Why? How? How could he possibly think she could do that? Was she just supposed to forget everything that happened, and pretend this other man was the same person she had spent monens loving? Even if she could do all of that, _he_ had already made it clear that _he_ did not see himself as that same man.

And what _about_ her child? Pregnancy was a frightening thought when her John had still been there, but now? Now it was downright terrifying. Should she have this child alone? _Could_ she? Would she have to? A part of her believed that this John had a right to know - she didn't know why, exactly, but it did. Another part of her thought that it would almost be wrong to go to him with this, for reasons she could not explain. Still another part of her, the small sliver of rational thought she was desperately clinging to, told her that this was not a decision she should make right now, not without serious consideration.

This was all too confusing for her. Now that the immediate threat was over, she could take her time and figure out what she was going to do. But she could not do that here, now with everyone around. Not with him. She couldn't think clearly when he was around, she couldn't be sure that the decisions she was making were not influenced by powers beyond her control. There was always a possibility that, in the end, she would decide that her place really was here, on Moya, with her friends. Maybe even with _him_.

But the answer to that haunting question would not be made here.

Aeryn slowly let out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. That, at least, was one decision made.


End file.
